Can i eat you?

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"

Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio,the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir.

TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you

to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER : Of course not.

HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

JOHN : I hope you didn't either.

GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR : Because of absence.

MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA : Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA : Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER : What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA : A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for

another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER: (sadly)You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT: (sadly)You don't know my father

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the

other,

what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy!

GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?

BOY : No.

GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.

BOY : And do you know who I am?

GIRL: No.

BOY : Thank goodness!

1) Anne Chang (in Mandarin) - Dirty

2) Anne Chin (in Mandarin) - Keep quiet

3) Carl Chng (in Hokkein) Buttock

4) Carmen Teng (in Hokkein) - Leg hair long

5) Corrine Tai (in Hokkein) - Poor fellow

6) Faye Chen (in Mandarin) Dusty

7) Henry Mah (in Mandarin) - Hate your mum

8) Henry Tan (in Hokkein) - Let you wait

9) Jane Tan (in Mandarin) - Fried egg

10) Judy Soo (in Mandarin) - Fated to lose.

11) Leslie Tong (in Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

12) Lucy Liaw (in Hokkein) - You are dead

13) Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - Selling eggs

14) Monica Cheng (in Hokkein) - Touch your buttock

15) Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - Worms-infested bird

16) Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

17) Paul Chan (in Cantonese) - Bankrupt

18) Suzie Leow (in Hokkein) - Lost till death

BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

Children. You spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

“Hi. This is John.

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send me money.

If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you own me money.

If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.”

“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of my magnets.